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Thursday, 11 June 2020 10:58 Written by Rome Jimson
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Why Your Team Sucks in 2027

The Anaheim Archers will be paying Greg Fore big bucks to score points AND babysit this roster.


Every season only one team can take home Lord Heikkinen's Trophy at the end of the year. Only one team can emerge victorious. It takes a combination of skill, talent, timing, cohesion, coaching, and luck to be able to stand above all others at the end of the year. Every season countless people try to predict who the league championship will be, and very rarely are they correct. I, my friends, am not one of those people. For, every year, 27 teams will emerge not victorious. 27 of the 28 teams will finish in various forms of loser. This year, rather than try to pick out the champion, I will play my percentages and copy a book from my friends over at Deadspin to tell you why, no matter who you root for, your team will suck in 2027. For 27 fanbases, I will be able to tell you "I told you so." For one lucky group, I will eat my words. Read below for a quick synopsis of why your team will suck in 2027.

Philadelphia Americans

John Newton, the corpses of Renato Ardoin, Charles Ottinger, and Louis Lynse, and Alain Lagon--wait, did they really commit 49 million over four years (not counting the team option) to Alain Lagon? Who the hell are these other guys? Johnny can't be feeling this.

Anaheim Archers

Greg Fore looks to restore the team to glory. Randolph Wright is on the verge of stardom too. The rest of these guys kinda look like a who's who of future draft busts. All prime candidates for the hit show, "Let's Remember Some Guys..." (Remember Marc Desrousseaux?) Is there a point guard on this team?

Las Vegas Blackjacks

Horace Robinson is the "best" player on the team...

Chicago Blaze

They're the Blaze. You could probably end the "Why Your Team Will Suck in 2027" with that. Danny Largent was arguably the best prospect in this year's draft, and some thought the best in years. Can he follow in the footsteps of fellow legends like Erasmo Dryden, Daniel West, and Herschel Pettway in delivering the Blaze to 8th place in basketball's worst conference?

Boston Buzzards

For starters, Jason Warnke is running things still. Many have said he's the Charles Flowers of General Managers. A lot of these guys are either slow or old, and almost all of them were here last year when they lost. Finally, see the Archers comment about point guards.

Los Angeles Chaos

When your hopes and dreams lie on the shoulders of Andrew Culbertson, it's probably not a good thing. He's got to be one of the highest paid cheerleaders of all-time, spending half the game on the bench in foul trouble. Random fact: Brian Montes isn't dead.

Quebec Coyotes

Who the hell are these guys? Other than passing, scoring, rebounding, defense, and athleticism the Coyotes actually have it all...

Denver Demons

Traded Greg Fore for a couple draft picks who are bound to be traded next offseason for a couple sacks of Fishmacs. Then tried to replace him by signing the ghosts of Jorge Denis, Michael Keyes, Alejandro Craft, and Ray Granger. All of these guys were on the block before the ink on their contracts dried.

Fort Worth Dragoons

They're moving to be the junior varsity team in Toronto. Paid more for the already-overpaid Rufus Motley. No point guard or front court to speak of. They should have the Blaze in prime position to add another future bust with a top-3 pick next offseason.

New Jersey Evolution

The fastest way to guarantee that you'll make a lot of money while simultaneously being able to begin your offseason early every year is to sign with New Jersey. No prospects of winning now or in the future.

Vancouver Highlanders

Might run the first 5 SG starting lineup in basketball history. If you like boring basketball, Vancouver is a must-watch every night. If you like watching once-exciting players be forced to play boring basketball, even more so.

Toronto Huskies

Wasted the entire career of the most dominant force in basketball history. If Charles Flowers couldn't lead a bunch of old scrubs to the championship in his prime, he's definitely not going to be able to lead a bunch of older, scrubbier guys when he's on the back nine. But he's getting PAID, so you can't feel too bad.

Honolulu Inferno

The Inferno actually have a lot of really good role players and bench guys this year. Unfortunately, it's their starting five.

Indiana Invaders

Does that wheelchair basketball league still exist? Cleveland Hall is an actual geriatric. These guys should lead the league in Viagra consumption.

London Knights

Entered the offseason primed to add a superstar...then brought back every player from an old, disappointing team from last year.

Portland Lumberjacks

All those years of sucking have paid off and these young guys are starting to come into their own. They were poised to land in the big time. Then they traded for one of the all-time greatest losers in basketball history. Nobody can deliver losses like Julius Atherton. He'll find a way here too.

Minnesota Marauders

All the talent is there, except they're another point guard-less team. Plus, as long as Jason Warnke is still in the league losing championships, the "Other Jason" will be there to serve as nothing more than empty regular season playoff fodder.

Detroit Muscle

Does anybody else forget every year that Detroit has an OBWL team? Always interesting to see what player they can develop into his prime, so a better team can then get his best years. Three more years until John Weatherford is leading a deep playoff run for some other team.

Kansas City Pioneers

Ben Johnson decided to play a game of "Let's remember some guys..." with his actual team this year. There's a rumor that the Pioneers front office actually encouraged these dudes not to buy homes in Kansas City.

Seattle Sea Dogs

Hired one of the league's biggest morons to run their team this offseason. Jay Amado has failed in literally every other division in the league. His big splash in his first offseason? Paying 94 million dollars to a backup on one of the league's biggest jokes.

South Florida Sharks

James Nichol and a bunch of other guys. This looks like the perennial bottom-feeder teams that Nichol has spent the majority of his career on. Depending on how bad these guys suck, he may be able to close some distance on Atherton as the greatest loser of all time (GLOAT).

Sacramento Snipers

They say that teams take on the personality of their leadership. Honestly, was gonna make a joke about this team, but didn't want to offend the league's most fragile general manager...

Kentucky Stallions

First, who decided to give a Canadian dude the nickname "El Presidente"? It makes sense on zero levels. Second, the Stallions have been kinda like the Muscle but, miraculously, even better at developing talent for other teams to then sign and go compete for future titles with. Jackson is definitely the best player on this team. After that? Throw a dart and see what no-name or foul-prone guy you hit.

San Diego Storm

When Dong Richardson is your second best old, overpaid, over-the-hill power forward and that was your splashy offseason move, you're in trouble. Prince Amour did make a great pick with taking Roman Roberson #1 overall though. He's going to make a real fine Anaheim Archer one day soon.

St. Louis Sun Kings

Their fate was sealed the day they signed Michael Jenkins. Rumors are, he's already on the block...if not, he should be.

Manhattan Swing

Perhaps the most average team in OBWL history, expect more of the same this year. How can a team in such a huge market be so easily forgotten?

Arizona Thunderbirds

Should legitimately have $0 on the books going into next offseason. GM Nick Simpson will then use it to sign 20 guys to league minimum deals. Every year they overachieve and end up being playoff fodder for title contenders. This year looks like another with the same strategy.

Tampa Bay Tritons

The defending OBWL champions. Though, looking at the roster I'm not sure how. Law of averages says you can't get lucky two years in a row. If they pull it off again, Tom Lacher needs to just start buying lotto tickets and Bitcoin.



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